Reflections on 2021 - first year as a small business owner

This year I started my photography business.  It was a pretty successful first year but also full of a ton of lessons:

• Constantly learning and growing in editing and posing and lighting
• Invested in my education, my equipment, and my options for props/ client closet/ studio setups
• Built my confidence and flexibility to adapt in challenging conditions
• I learned how to put myself out there and trust in my ability to deliver amazing work. Goodbye imposter syndrome!
• I didn't let my desire for perfection get in the way of my progress.
• I reconnected my creativity and my artistic passion.
• I realized how much years of IT consulting and focusing on client satisfaction and delivering above expectations is applicable in so many ways in my own small business.
• I was inspired by and celebrated the amazing work from other photographers. And crazily enough found a few people to be in community who did the same for me.
• More than once this year I felt like a fairy godmother. Sometimes you put on a girl in a fabulous dress and their whole posture and confidence level change. I've helped make many a fabulous twirl and unrestrained smile happen and I will never get tired of it.
• I had a lot of goals this year and wasn't sure how attainable they were when I launched, and I worked so hard, and I crushed those goals.
• My goal was 32 sessions and I completed 91 sessions!
  
  

Happy New Year!

This year was full of blessings and unimaginable heartbreak. The end of the year especially has been so difficult, but we are here, and we have so much support. I was inspired by a friend for my word of the year next year to be Cultivate. This year made it clear I cannot control the weather (what life throws at me). That said, I can prepare the soil, select what I plant, tend to my crop, and enjoy the harvest. And that has to be enough for now and that has to give me hope and purpose. I'm so thankful for my faith and pray daily for ease to all the sorrow and sadness and difficult circumstances so many people I love are walking through.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year. Hug your loved ones tight and count your blessings.

A Reflection from My Labor and Delivery a Year Ago

On January 17^th 2017 we were getting ready for bed, early bedtime since at that point in my pregnancy I was feeling tired constantly.  I had taken a bath and settled in for bed.  In the last trimester we had started playing ukulele/singing and reading stories to the baby to help her to know our voices.  That night Kyle read Little One by Jo Weaver.  It was a shower gift from our friends Amy and Nelson and it’s a beautifully illustrated book about a mama bear bringing her baby bear cub out of hibernation and teaching the baby bear about the world.  After he finished the book I got out of bed to go to the bathroom one last time (man you have to pee constantly in that last trimester) and during the 15 foot walk to the bathroom my water broke.  It was so surreal going to get Kyle and explaining what I thought had happened.  We looked at one another for a moment and then decided to call the on-call nurse and ask them what to do next.  After waiting about an hour for a call back they finally called and told us to head to the hospital.  We gave our parents a quick heads up that we were going for an initial check and asked my parents to watch Divot for us.  The hospital is about 40 minutes from our house and I remember sitting in the car trying to grasp the enormity that my next car ride might be our drive home from the hospital with our baby girl.  We also thought it was likely they send us home as a false alarm since I wasn’t experiencing any contractions.  We arrived at the hospital and they took us back to the labor and delivery triage room at about 10 PM at night.  After a couple of minutes they confirmed that my water had broken and that they would be admitted us to a labor and delivery room.  Things were starting to get real!  In the movies when someone has their water break it seems like immediately they have a mad dash to the hospital and shortly after they have a baby.  In case you weren’t aware, movies are not like real life.  As we arrived to the hospital I had my first very small contractions but my body seemed to be out of alignment.  My water breaking meant let’s have this baby and my contractions were very slow and saying let’s take our sweet time.  We started Pitocin right away and my contractions started to intensify.  I knew I wanted to have pain relief but waited until the next morning to get my epidural.  Thinking at that point surely we’d be having this baby within the next few hours.  I was wrong.  My contractions progressed so slowly even with the Pitocin and baby girl made it clear she wasn’t in any rush to leave the warm and cozy womb.  The hours stretched out and passed so slowly.  Since my water had broken they could only check my dilation every 4-6 hours so we’d have huge chunks of time between when we could get updates on progress.  The wait was grueling.  We prayed, we took brief naps, we watched HGTV, we fielded a tons of texts/calls asking for updates, and we waited.  Once you start medication like Pitocin and the epidural you aren’t supposed to eat or drink anything.  Well by Wednesday evening 24 hours into the process I was losing feeling in one of my legs, I was thirsty, I was hungry, and I was so ready to be able to push and meet our little girl.  Since we had texted some friends and family on Tuesday night when we went in the requests for updates were endearing but made it even harder and more frustrating that things weren’t happening faster.  People wanted updates and we didn’t have any definitive answers.  Kyle did such a wonderful job running interference on both our phones and handling all the inquiries.  The few times the waiting was about to tip the scale and send me down an anxiety spiral he held my hands and spoke to me calmly and helped me stay relaxed and focused.  Finally on Thursday morning the 19^th after 35 hours or labor I was finally far enough dilated to start pushing.  Since I’d had an epidural for so long I didn’t feel much pain but it was also hard to push in the exact way they described since I had very little feeling in my legs and pelvis.  The midwives were so patient in timing the pushes and rests and helping guide me through pushing.  I thought there would be a big divider and Kyle wouldn’t be able to see anything but my arms and face but that wasn’t the case but he stayed so composed and focused on helping me.  After 2 hours or pushing and resting they told me they needed to try the vacuum and if it didn’t work then they would have to do a C-section.  They had drawn up all the papers for us to sign if it came to that.  Dr. Allen came in and looked at me and said I had 5 pushes left to get her out and to give the 5 best pushes of my life.  After all those hours of waiting and pushing I couldn’t bear the thought of having to have a C-section so I pushed with all my might.  I pushed so hard I burst a couple blood vessels under my eyes but on the last push with the help of the vacuum our baby girl entered the world.  That was the most surreal and coolest sensation I’ve ever felt.  I was so relieved and exhausted and exited and overwhelmed.  We had done it.  We were parents.  When they handed her to me for the first time the closest thing I can equate it to is when the Grinch had his heart grow three sizes.  It was like I immediately felt my heart expand in inexplicable ways and even though I was holding her for the first time I loved her with a greater depth than I had ever loved anything.  I knew I’d spend the rest of my life loving her in the best ways I could and that I’d do anything for her.    My whole pregnancy I tried to imagine what that moment would feel like but even my highest expectations were superseded.  Kyle took her with the nurses to do her APGAR, measurements, and prints.  It was at that moment I realized they had to start stitches on both my tears, I’ve always been an overachiever but I managed to tear in not one but two places.  Even with the pain meds those stitches were very painful.  After that we got what they call the golden hour together.  I held her skin to skin and nursed her for the first time thanks to the incredibly patient and helpful lactation consultant.  The 39 hours or labor and delivery had exhausted us but we felt so content to finally meet our Gwendolyn!

What is saving my life right now?

I have started listening to Jen Hatmaker’s podcast and she ends each one asking her guest the same 3 questions each episode.  One of those questions is what is saving your life right now.  So I was inspired to think and write about the things that are saving my life right now.

• My husband – he helps with our daughter and helps cook and knows all my triggers for seasonal depression this time of year and has been so helpful in talking me through all the complicated/emotional/hormonal things that run through my mind on any given week
• My church book club for busy moms – I have met some wonderful women through it and it is helped me feel more connected and supported.  It is manageable because we meet once a month but I truly look forward to it each month.  It has also helped me feel more comfortable going to other church events since I have a tribe to go with and talk to while I’m there!  We have also planned a few social events and I truly look forward to them.  
• My Five-Minute Journal - I miss some writing in it some days but the days I fill it out it starts and ends my day in such a positive way.  It has 5 prompts each day.  In the morning, the 3 prompts are what are you grateful for, what would make today great, and words/statements of affirmation.  At night, you write down awesome things that happened that day and what if anything could have made the day a better day. 
• Stitcher/Audible – these literally save my life during my hour-long commute.  They make the hour in the morning and hour in the afternoon feel less wasted and more enriching.  It is a treat to hear someone read to you in a British accent or have a national best seller speak to a topic in your life while you drive.  Technology has plenty of down sides but let me tell these two applications are wonderful for me. 
• Hello Fresh – it has helped made it infinitely easier for us to cook at home more now.  The food is delicious and it has helped Kyle and I sit down to more nice meals together.  It is amazing the difference in conversation when you sit down at the table for a nice meal together.  We still have days where we cook
• Dream Baby Café Community – it is an online mom group where I feel so comfortable being vulnerable.  I’ve shared my wins with them and I’ve reached out for encouragement when the mom guilt or anxiety starts to tip the scale.  Luann is so knowledgable and shares her experience and the published research to help us navigate parenting topics.  The moms are honest and genuine and real and it is such a refreshing and supportive space.  

My First Mother’s Day as a Mommy

The week leading up to my first Mother’s day was by far our busiest and most stressful week scheduling wise since our daughter was born.  My husband had his doctoral commencement, I had full day training/meetings that kept me late at the office two days of the week, and I was a bridesmaid in a wedding (think rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, salon all day Saturday, and wedding festivities that night).  I had a diagram for each day about how many breast milk bottles to have in the fridge each morning before work, how many bags to pack for pumping, and packing lists for her diaper bag for each day.  IT WAS EXHAUSTING! It is the kind of pace we had seen many times pre-kids but man it’s a million times more tiring with a kiddo in tow for all those big activities.  Or even the events she didn’t go to I had to put a lot of time and attention in ensuring everything was prepared for her caregiver for that time frame.  So by the time Sunday, my first Mother’s Day, came along all I wanted was a low key day filled with coffee and baby snuggles.  Thankfully our daughter didn’t mind that plan at all.  Getting her out of her crib each morning is my absolute favorite and it breaks my heart I only get to do that a couple times a week right now.  She is all smiles and does the absolute cutest stretches when we unbundle her from her swaddle/sleep sack.  I sing a good morning song to her each time I get her up it’s an older song by Gene Kelly and it is such a cheery start to our day.  Kyle and our daughter gave me a beautiful sterling silver and agate necklace that our daughter loves to death grip and stare at.  And my husband wrote me a beautiful poem about our family.  It brought tears to my eyes and will be the centerpiece of a new gallery wall I’m planning along our stairs.  Then Kyle was sweet and made sure I had coffee and a delicious breakfast, I’m talking steak and eggs delicious!  We sat on the porch and played with her in her bouncer, read her stories, and sang to her.  It was perfect!  We spent the afternoon having an early dinner at my parents.  The food and the company were delightful.  I could not have asked for a better first Mother’s day as a mom.  We wore matching outfits which was so fun (for me at least).  I can’t believe that by next year she’ll be walking and saying words and short phrases.  The days are long but the years are short seems to take on a new reality when it comes to watching your children grow.  It’s magical, exciting, and heart wrenching thinking how quickly they grow up.  So for now I’ll be snuggling my sweet little baby as much as I can until she gets bigger and busier because as the saying goes babies don’t keep!

Mother’s Day Photo Shoot (one week before Mother’s Day)

Having a kid rewires your brain in a million ways but one of the most profound is the new depth of love and appreciation you feel for your parents.  It suddenly becomes evident how much they loved you, how much they sacrificed for you, and how deeply invested they are in you.  It gives new meaning to every time they talked you through a hard life lesson, every time they helped you with a sticky situation, and how they weighed every decision when you were too young to communicate.  They did so much right and now I just wish I could remember exactly how they did all of it.  How did they help me foster such a strong love of books?  How did they know which sports to let me try and when to push me to focus most on my favorite one?  How did they help me build such a strong sense of commitment and follow through?  I remember bits and pieces that we’ll use with our daughter but raising kids is so wonderfully and terrifying complex that I’m amazed at how well they navigated so many things. 

All that is why I wanted to do something really special for our moms this Mother’s Day.  A friend of mine from college who is an incredibly talented photographer was in town and I knew a Mother’s Day photo shoot with the perfect idea.  I wanted them to have a beautiful keepsake of these first few months with their granddaughter.  I wanted our daughter to be able to see that from the very start of her life she was loved beyond measure and surrounded by incredible role models.  It takes a tribe to raise a child and man our daughter hit the jackpot when it comes to her grandma and nanas.  Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot, thanks Sachel of Sachel Samone Photography for capturing these precious moments and beautiful women!

Dr. Dad (Kyle’s Doctoral Commencement)

On Tuesday May 9th we had Kyle’s graduation ceremony at KSU! It was really special to both of us that our daughter was able to be there although we know she won’t remember it of course. They called his name and announced his study. Then he walked on stage and they placed his doctoral hood on his robes. He beamed with pride. The thing about Kyle is that he knew very early on what his calling was. At age 15 he was certain that he wanted to be a teacher and to earn his doctorate one day. Throughout his bachelor’s degree, career, master’s degree, and now doctoral degree his passion and gifts in education (both as a teacher and as a student) were clear and confirmed by his peers, teachers, and coworkers. In the 10 years he has been teaching he has shared many emails and stories from students about how he helped them discover their gifts/passion and how he helped change their lives. Our daughter is a very lucky little girl to have him as an example of what is possible when you combine your passion and your gifts!