My First Mother’s Day as a Mommy

The week leading up to my first Mother’s day was by far our busiest and most stressful week scheduling wise since our daughter was born.  My husband had his doctoral commencement, I had full day training/meetings that kept me late at the office two days of the week, and I was a bridesmaid in a wedding (think rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, salon all day Saturday, and wedding festivities that night).  I had a diagram for each day about how many breast milk bottles to have in the fridge each morning before work, how many bags to pack for pumping, and packing lists for her diaper bag for each day.  IT WAS EXHAUSTING! It is the kind of pace we had seen many times pre-kids but man it’s a million times more tiring with a kiddo in tow for all those big activities.  Or even the events she didn’t go to I had to put a lot of time and attention in ensuring everything was prepared for her caregiver for that time frame.  So by the time Sunday, my first Mother’s Day, came along all I wanted was a low key day filled with coffee and baby snuggles.  Thankfully our daughter didn’t mind that plan at all.  Getting her out of her crib each morning is my absolute favorite and it breaks my heart I only get to do that a couple times a week right now.  She is all smiles and does the absolute cutest stretches when we unbundle her from her swaddle/sleep sack.  I sing a good morning song to her each time I get her up it’s an older song by Gene Kelly and it is such a cheery start to our day.  Kyle and our daughter gave me a beautiful sterling silver and agate necklace that our daughter loves to death grip and stare at.  And my husband wrote me a beautiful poem about our family.  It brought tears to my eyes and will be the centerpiece of a new gallery wall I’m planning along our stairs.  Then Kyle was sweet and made sure I had coffee and a delicious breakfast, I’m talking steak and eggs delicious!  We sat on the porch and played with her in her bouncer, read her stories, and sang to her.  It was perfect!  We spent the afternoon having an early dinner at my parents.  The food and the company were delightful.  I could not have asked for a better first Mother’s day as a mom.  We wore matching outfits which was so fun (for me at least).  I can’t believe that by next year she’ll be walking and saying words and short phrases.  The days are long but the years are short seems to take on a new reality when it comes to watching your children grow.  It’s magical, exciting, and heart wrenching thinking how quickly they grow up.  So for now I’ll be snuggling my sweet little baby as much as I can until she gets bigger and busier because as the saying goes babies don’t keep!

Mother’s Day Photo Shoot (one week before Mother’s Day)

Having a kid rewires your brain in a million ways but one of the most profound is the new depth of love and appreciation you feel for your parents.  It suddenly becomes evident how much they loved you, how much they sacrificed for you, and how deeply invested they are in you.  It gives new meaning to every time they talked you through a hard life lesson, every time they helped you with a sticky situation, and how they weighed every decision when you were too young to communicate.  They did so much right and now I just wish I could remember exactly how they did all of it.  How did they help me foster such a strong love of books?  How did they know which sports to let me try and when to push me to focus most on my favorite one?  How did they help me build such a strong sense of commitment and follow through?  I remember bits and pieces that we’ll use with our daughter but raising kids is so wonderfully and terrifying complex that I’m amazed at how well they navigated so many things. 

All that is why I wanted to do something really special for our moms this Mother’s Day.  A friend of mine from college who is an incredibly talented photographer was in town and I knew a Mother’s Day photo shoot with the perfect idea.  I wanted them to have a beautiful keepsake of these first few months with their granddaughter.  I wanted our daughter to be able to see that from the very start of her life she was loved beyond measure and surrounded by incredible role models.  It takes a tribe to raise a child and man our daughter hit the jackpot when it comes to her grandma and nanas.  Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot, thanks Sachel of Sachel Samone Photography for capturing these precious moments and beautiful women!

Dr. Dad (Kyle’s Doctoral Commencement)

On Tuesday May 9th we had Kyle’s graduation ceremony at KSU! It was really special to both of us that our daughter was able to be there although we know she won’t remember it of course. They called his name and announced his study. Then he walked on stage and they placed his doctoral hood on his robes. He beamed with pride. The thing about Kyle is that he knew very early on what his calling was. At age 15 he was certain that he wanted to be a teacher and to earn his doctorate one day. Throughout his bachelor’s degree, career, master’s degree, and now doctoral degree his passion and gifts in education (both as a teacher and as a student) were clear and confirmed by his peers, teachers, and coworkers. In the 10 years he has been teaching he has shared many emails and stories from students about how he helped them discover their gifts/passion and how he helped change their lives. Our daughter is a very lucky little girl to have him as an example of what is possible when you combine your passion and your gifts!

The Ways I Feel Different

I am undoubtedly changed by becoming a mom.  More so than I anticipated but thankfully mostly for the better.  I pay more attention to little details and have a heightened awareness of people’s moods and emotions.  I am actually more organized and tidy because without that we would descend into utter chaos trying to maintain our house, her schedule, and our sanity.  I am more aware than ever of how strong our support system is and the depth of my thankfulness for it.  I am realizing the almost alarming at times extent to which I would be willing to sacrifice for my family. Kyle is calling it mama bear mode, it is mostly good but already once or twice has been a bit too extreme. 

Watching how loving, attentive, and playful my husband is with her has burst my heart wide open.  It is amazing that even if you think you love someone as much as is humanly possible that a big life change like this can help you see them even more clearly. At night we play ukulele and sing to her before bedtime and I cherish that family time together.  And it makes me wish we would have thought to spend more time singing together before her arrival. 

Even as I approach my pre-baby weight my body feels very different.  Things feel and are shaped differently and I feel a bit like I’m having to get reacquainted with my own body.  While I am amazed by what my body did and continues to do to provide for her it also makes me feel functional when I used to feel attractive.  I plan outfits based around what I can pump in or what is comfortable to sit on the floor in to play with her instead of what is most flattering or makes me feel beautiful. 

The extent to which I miss her even though she's only been in our lives for 3 months.  It's crazy how can you miss something so deeply that is so new to your life.  I better understand when people say having kids is like walking around with your heart outside your body.  I physiologically feel the separation from her some days when I'm at work and while I'm sure the intensity of missing her will lessen over time right now it is quite intense. 

Worry is a regular occurrence.  I worry about whether I'll pump enough ounces for her.  I worry about her comfort and happiness and germs and tummy.  I worry about hypothetical situations.  Thankfully it does not stop me from enjoying my time with her but lately its been haunting my sleep and I'm working on ways to relax and keep the worry monster at bay.

The biggest challenge I’m having and that I think all parents have is balance.  Pre-Gwen I had found a good balance between my marriage, my job, my friends, and self-care.  Now I feel a bit like I’m swirling trying to find a way to balance my life now that there is a wonderful sweet girl in the mix.  I find myself wanting to devote all my attention to her however I firmly believe that investing in my marriage, myself, and my career benefit her tremendously.  We also have a wonderful groups of friends that we’ve invested in and we want to ensure we maintain those relationships as well.  I’ve got lots of work to do to figure out how to get the right balance and a lifetime to keep working on it.  The hardest part is the mom guilt that you feel.  No matter how well you try and balance you always feel a tinge of guilt.  Guilt about leaving them when you go back to work or guilt when you stay home that you aren’t providing or appreciating the time as much.  Guilt about not exercising/taking care of yourself or guilt for leaving the house to go to the gym when you could be at home with your family.  Being a mom means you weigh every outing and every choice and try to consider all the alternatives and make the best choice you can.  

Lightroom Editing Magic

If you are new to photography I highly suggest investing the $9.99 per month for the Adobe tools that include Lightroom and Photoshop.  Lightroom is very easy to use and allows you to create/load preset filters to help expedite the editing process.  I have created some filters of my own but also taken advantage of some great deals from seasoned photographers who sell bundles of lightroom presets.  I recently purchased some presets designed by a professional photographer specifically for newborn photos.  Here is a sample of the output from a one-step editing process of applying the lightroom preset.  

RAW vs Edited Images:

3 Months

You won't go back to the pediatrician until May for your four month check-up so I don't have your height and weight measurements this month.

Current Likes/Loves:

• Looking up at the sky when we go outside
• Babbles/Coos including trying to mimic noises with changes in pitch
• Looking at pictures in books during storytime
• Grasping items especially your pacifier, mr. froggy, a green sensory ball, and a giraffe rattle
• Textures - you love feeling items with different textures
• Pulling my hair 
• Breaking out of your swaddle overnight
• Spalshing in the bathtub
• Easter gifts from your grandma and nanas

Our First 12 Weeks Together

I was so fortunate to be able to spend your first 12 weeks at home with you.  It is a time in my life that I will cherish forever.  I cannot explain in words how immediate and deep my love was for you when you were born and how much joy it brought me to watch you grow and change so much in your first few months.  It was with a heavy heart that I headed back to work this past week.  The night before my first day back I held you in my arms before I laid you down in your crib for bed and cried.  I know in my heart that working and providing for you is just one of the many ways I'll show you my unconditional love for you.  I hope that as you grow up that I can model for you that you can be a loving mom and wife and still have a career if those are the things you desire for your life.  And I hope even on days in the future where we may bicker or disagree that you know that nothing in the whole wide world brings me more joy than getting home to see your bright eyes and hear your sweet voice (just babbles and coos for now).  And that even when you've grown up and moved out on your own that there will be nothing that brightens my day more than spending time with you and hearing your voice.  I've always loved our home but you are a powerful magnet pulling my heart towards home and our time together.  It brings me great peace to know you are getting so much time with your grandma and nana for now and your daddy this summer.  You are a very lucky little girl to be growing up surrounded by so many people who love you!