A Reflection from My Labor and Delivery a Year Ago

On January 17^th 2017 we were getting ready for bed, early bedtime since at that point in my pregnancy I was feeling tired constantly.  I had taken a bath and settled in for bed.  In the last trimester we had started playing ukulele/singing and reading stories to the baby to help her to know our voices.  That night Kyle read Little One by Jo Weaver.  It was a shower gift from our friends Amy and Nelson and it’s a beautifully illustrated book about a mama bear bringing her baby bear cub out of hibernation and teaching the baby bear about the world.  After he finished the book I got out of bed to go to the bathroom one last time (man you have to pee constantly in that last trimester) and during the 15 foot walk to the bathroom my water broke.  It was so surreal going to get Kyle and explaining what I thought had happened.  We looked at one another for a moment and then decided to call the on-call nurse and ask them what to do next.  After waiting about an hour for a call back they finally called and told us to head to the hospital.  We gave our parents a quick heads up that we were going for an initial check and asked my parents to watch Divot for us.  The hospital is about 40 minutes from our house and I remember sitting in the car trying to grasp the enormity that my next car ride might be our drive home from the hospital with our baby girl.  We also thought it was likely they send us home as a false alarm since I wasn’t experiencing any contractions.  We arrived at the hospital and they took us back to the labor and delivery triage room at about 10 PM at night.  After a couple of minutes they confirmed that my water had broken and that they would be admitted us to a labor and delivery room.  Things were starting to get real!  In the movies when someone has their water break it seems like immediately they have a mad dash to the hospital and shortly after they have a baby.  In case you weren’t aware, movies are not like real life.  As we arrived to the hospital I had my first very small contractions but my body seemed to be out of alignment.  My water breaking meant let’s have this baby and my contractions were very slow and saying let’s take our sweet time.  We started Pitocin right away and my contractions started to intensify.  I knew I wanted to have pain relief but waited until the next morning to get my epidural.  Thinking at that point surely we’d be having this baby within the next few hours.  I was wrong.  My contractions progressed so slowly even with the Pitocin and baby girl made it clear she wasn’t in any rush to leave the warm and cozy womb.  The hours stretched out and passed so slowly.  Since my water had broken they could only check my dilation every 4-6 hours so we’d have huge chunks of time between when we could get updates on progress.  The wait was grueling.  We prayed, we took brief naps, we watched HGTV, we fielded a tons of texts/calls asking for updates, and we waited.  Once you start medication like Pitocin and the epidural you aren’t supposed to eat or drink anything.  Well by Wednesday evening 24 hours into the process I was losing feeling in one of my legs, I was thirsty, I was hungry, and I was so ready to be able to push and meet our little girl.  Since we had texted some friends and family on Tuesday night when we went in the requests for updates were endearing but made it even harder and more frustrating that things weren’t happening faster.  People wanted updates and we didn’t have any definitive answers.  Kyle did such a wonderful job running interference on both our phones and handling all the inquiries.  The few times the waiting was about to tip the scale and send me down an anxiety spiral he held my hands and spoke to me calmly and helped me stay relaxed and focused.  Finally on Thursday morning the 19^th after 35 hours or labor I was finally far enough dilated to start pushing.  Since I’d had an epidural for so long I didn’t feel much pain but it was also hard to push in the exact way they described since I had very little feeling in my legs and pelvis.  The midwives were so patient in timing the pushes and rests and helping guide me through pushing.  I thought there would be a big divider and Kyle wouldn’t be able to see anything but my arms and face but that wasn’t the case but he stayed so composed and focused on helping me.  After 2 hours or pushing and resting they told me they needed to try the vacuum and if it didn’t work then they would have to do a C-section.  They had drawn up all the papers for us to sign if it came to that.  Dr. Allen came in and looked at me and said I had 5 pushes left to get her out and to give the 5 best pushes of my life.  After all those hours of waiting and pushing I couldn’t bear the thought of having to have a C-section so I pushed with all my might.  I pushed so hard I burst a couple blood vessels under my eyes but on the last push with the help of the vacuum our baby girl entered the world.  That was the most surreal and coolest sensation I’ve ever felt.  I was so relieved and exhausted and exited and overwhelmed.  We had done it.  We were parents.  When they handed her to me for the first time the closest thing I can equate it to is when the Grinch had his heart grow three sizes.  It was like I immediately felt my heart expand in inexplicable ways and even though I was holding her for the first time I loved her with a greater depth than I had ever loved anything.  I knew I’d spend the rest of my life loving her in the best ways I could and that I’d do anything for her.    My whole pregnancy I tried to imagine what that moment would feel like but even my highest expectations were superseded.  Kyle took her with the nurses to do her APGAR, measurements, and prints.  It was at that moment I realized they had to start stitches on both my tears, I’ve always been an overachiever but I managed to tear in not one but two places.  Even with the pain meds those stitches were very painful.  After that we got what they call the golden hour together.  I held her skin to skin and nursed her for the first time thanks to the incredibly patient and helpful lactation consultant.  The 39 hours or labor and delivery had exhausted us but we felt so content to finally meet our Gwendolyn!

What is saving my life right now?

I have started listening to Jen Hatmaker’s podcast and she ends each one asking her guest the same 3 questions each episode.  One of those questions is what is saving your life right now.  So I was inspired to think and write about the things that are saving my life right now.

• My husband – he helps with our daughter and helps cook and knows all my triggers for seasonal depression this time of year and has been so helpful in talking me through all the complicated/emotional/hormonal things that run through my mind on any given week
• My church book club for busy moms – I have met some wonderful women through it and it is helped me feel more connected and supported.  It is manageable because we meet once a month but I truly look forward to it each month.  It has also helped me feel more comfortable going to other church events since I have a tribe to go with and talk to while I’m there!  We have also planned a few social events and I truly look forward to them.  
• My Five-Minute Journal - I miss some writing in it some days but the days I fill it out it starts and ends my day in such a positive way.  It has 5 prompts each day.  In the morning, the 3 prompts are what are you grateful for, what would make today great, and words/statements of affirmation.  At night, you write down awesome things that happened that day and what if anything could have made the day a better day. 
• Stitcher/Audible – these literally save my life during my hour-long commute.  They make the hour in the morning and hour in the afternoon feel less wasted and more enriching.  It is a treat to hear someone read to you in a British accent or have a national best seller speak to a topic in your life while you drive.  Technology has plenty of down sides but let me tell these two applications are wonderful for me. 
• Hello Fresh – it has helped made it infinitely easier for us to cook at home more now.  The food is delicious and it has helped Kyle and I sit down to more nice meals together.  It is amazing the difference in conversation when you sit down at the table for a nice meal together.  We still have days where we cook
• Dream Baby Café Community – it is an online mom group where I feel so comfortable being vulnerable.  I’ve shared my wins with them and I’ve reached out for encouragement when the mom guilt or anxiety starts to tip the scale.  Luann is so knowledgable and shares her experience and the published research to help us navigate parenting topics.  The moms are honest and genuine and real and it is such a refreshing and supportive space.