I am undoubtedly changed by
becoming a mom. More so than I
anticipated but thankfully mostly for the better. I pay more attention to little details and
have a heightened awareness of people’s moods and emotions. I am actually more organized and tidy because
without that we would descend into utter chaos trying to maintain our house, her
schedule, and our sanity. I am more
aware than ever of how strong our support system is and the depth of my thankfulness for
it. I am realizing the almost alarming
at times extent to which I would be willing to sacrifice for my family. Kyle is
calling it mama bear mode, it is mostly good but already once or twice has been
a bit too extreme.
Watching how loving,
attentive, and playful my husband is with her has burst my heart wide
open. It is amazing that even if you
think you love someone as much as is humanly possible that a big life change
like this can help you see them even more clearly. At night we play ukulele and sing to her before bedtime and I cherish that family time together. And it makes me wish we would have thought to spend more time singing together before her arrival.
Even as I approach my pre-baby
weight my body feels very different. Things
feel and are shaped differently and I feel a bit like I’m having to get
reacquainted with my own body. While I
am amazed by what my body did and continues to do to provide for her it also
makes me feel functional when I used to feel attractive. I plan outfits based around what I can pump
in or what is comfortable to sit on the floor in to play with her instead of
what is most flattering or makes me feel beautiful.
The extent to which I miss her even though she's only been in our lives for 3 months. It's crazy how can you miss something so deeply that is so new to your life. I better understand when people say having kids is like walking around with your heart outside your body. I physiologically feel the separation from her some days when I'm at work and while I'm sure the intensity of missing her will lessen over time right now it is quite intense.
Worry is a regular occurrence. I worry about whether I'll pump enough ounces for her. I worry about her comfort and happiness and germs and tummy. I worry about hypothetical situations. Thankfully it does not stop me from enjoying my time with her but lately its been haunting my sleep and I'm working on ways to relax and keep the worry monster at bay.
The biggest challenge I’m
having and that I think all parents have is balance. Pre-Gwen I had found a good balance between
my marriage, my job, my friends, and self-care.
Now I feel a bit like I’m swirling trying to find a way to balance my life
now that there is a wonderful sweet girl in the mix. I find myself wanting to devote all my
attention to her however I firmly believe that investing in my marriage, myself,
and my career benefit her tremendously. We
also have a wonderful groups of friends that we’ve invested in and we want to
ensure we maintain those relationships as well.
I’ve got lots of work to do to figure out how to get the right balance
and a lifetime to keep working on it. The
hardest part is the mom guilt that you feel.
No matter how well you try and balance you always feel a tinge of
guilt. Guilt about leaving them when you
go back to work or guilt when you stay home that you aren’t providing or
appreciating the time as much. Guilt
about not exercising/taking care of yourself or guilt for leaving the house to
go to the gym when you could be at home with your family. Being a mom means you weigh every outing and
every choice and try to consider all the alternatives and make the best choice
you can.
