I posted a couple months ago about finally finding a small group - you can read the post here
We have been sharing our testimonies and last Monday Kyle and I both shared ours. I have been in youth ministry for years and have shared so many pieces of my testimony but had never told it all in one sitting. God was really at work in my heart so I began writing down the pieces of my story that He so carefully strung together. I am grateful for so many things in my life but sitting down and really studying how my journey has unfolded so far gave me a much deeper appreciation for all the doors God has opened and closed to guide me to where I am right now. It renews my trust and faithfulness that even when things don't make sense in the current moment so something better than I could have planned is in front of me and I must be patient and faithful in walking towards it.
It feels very exposed posting this publicly but in sharing with our small group Monday I realized I love every part of my path because it all brought me to this place in my life. I believe there is power in honesty and it not only sets us free from our anxiety of trying to seem perfect all the time but it also helps other people let down the walls in their heart to share their truth, struggles, hopes, and prayers. Here is my testimony I shared:
I have fond memories of going to church as a child. It was a routine/ritual of dressing up each
week and sitting together in church. We
attended Methodist churches that were more traditional with hymnals, pews,
choirs, hand bells, acolytes, and pastors in robes. I acknowledged from an early that God existed
but for my child and early adolescent years I viewed faith as a distant reverent
respect. Church was the place where I
wore my best clothes, used my best manners, and worked to represent the most
respectable side of myself. Even my
baptism was formal confirmation classes that started when I hit the right age
and was completed by taking classes and learning the content. I remember it being a special moment when I
was baptized but it didn’t feel personal to me.
These experiences grew a divide between my faith and the rest of my
life.
From a young age I have always been a risk averse and
conscientious person. It was not hard
for me to avoid early teenage temptations because I knew from church I shouldn’t
and I was terrified of getting in trouble.
I like spending time with my parents, was the straight A student, I
loved my teachers/parents friends, and I always wanted to do my best when asked
to do things by people in places of authority in my life. My parents had some strong ideas about
raising me – limited junk food, no cable TV, no video games but honestly I
never minded that much. However that
doesn’t mean I didn’t splurge at friends’ houses whose parents had less strict
rules!
When I became a teenager my friends started inviting me to
youth group. It was so much fun. It was so different from the type of church
service I was used to. There were games,
electric guitars, adults asking about how we felt/what was going on in our
lives (rather than content knowledge questions like at school), and messages
about faith that described it as a personal relationship and journey. The timing was good because for the first
time in my life I started to have some tension in my relationship with my
parents. I felt like I was such a well
behaved kid but I still struggled to live up to the standards they set. Between hormones and added stress from
school/dance/friends/boys I felt like I was losing my grip on some of the
aspects of my life. At this stage in life
I would describe myself as a chameleon.
I absorbed the personalities and preferences of my friends and did/said
the things they did. My fear of
consequences saved me from making some big mistakes but if my friend liked making
goofy videos, reading gossip mags, obsessing over boy bands so did I. I remember having to teach myself to listen
to Star 94 instead of Fox 97 because I didn’t want people to think I was
lame. If my friends were boy crazy I
would pick someone in my class to talk incessantly about. I had so little confidence in my own point of
view. I felt different from people my age
and my friends just seemed so much more interesting so I emulated them. When I started going to youth group I
remember noticing that people there were so more unique and confident in
themselves. At the time I didn’t
understand why but it was something I recognized almost immediately.
The light bulb turned on while I was at Windy Gap during a
retreat. I was away from all the
distractions and noise of my regular life and I could finally hear the quiet
voice that had been calling me to pursue my faith. I was in quiet time on a hill looking at the
stars and the magnitude of creation and felt a sense of peace that was unlike
anything I had ever felt before. All my
worries were quiet and I felt like ready to pursue my faith knowing that in
doing so I would be giving up the weight of my worries I had been carrying with
me. After camp I started volunteering as
student leader, singing with the worship band, inviting my friends to youth
group, and found my own church for Sundays where I could learn more about my
faith in a more personal way. The girls
in my small group listened and supported me in ways my other friends had never
done.
In parallel I met Kyle my sophomore year of high
school. We had a funny and rocky start
of us both pursuing one another but not at the same time which resulted in us
dating and breaking up and dating and breaking up. As adults we have talked about both of us
recognizing at different points in time that we knew us being together was
substantial and serious and we weren’t quite ready for that kind of
relationship. I think we both regret
some of the hurt feelings we caused in that early dating stage but somehow we
managed to remain friends throughout the whole process. I know God’s hand was in that because what
high school girl still wants to talk to the guy who broke up with her and vice
versa. Kyle was the one who invited me
to young life, who encouraged me to go to windy gap, who encouraged me to start
singing with the band, and who helped me find the church we attended. He was a spiritual leader for me before he
even realized he would end up taking on that role in a much bigger way as my
husband. He didn’t approve of the
choices my friends made and he regularly made me think critically about how to
balance spending time with them without becoming like them. The summer before our senior year we finally
sat down and realized we were ready to give our relationship a real try. It was a wonderful year for us but we were
both anxious about going to different colleges.
In college I drifted from my faith. I was just so busy meeting new people and
doing new things. I went to Wesley some
weeks but it was more social than spiritual for me. I rested on my laurels that I didn’t break
rules and felt like that was enough, that my faith would be waiting when I was
ready to pick it back up. I had
Christian on my Facebook profile but my faith sat like a trophy on my
bookshelf.
The first year and a half of separate schools was the
hardest for Kyle and I but after that we hit a turning point. We had our own lives at our own schools but
we were spending more time with one another and with the other person’s
friends. What was hard at first ended up
being the thing that saved us from smothering one another I think. I’m very thankful that God’s plans are so
much better than mine. Our biggest
obstacle was the accident. At first I
felt helpless because there was nothing I could do. And then I realized that even just sitting by
his side or showing grace when he lost his cool was a small way I could
help. That I could be patient while he
was angry and grieving and pray that he would come through the other side of
it. And that as he worked through all of
it that we would still fit together and be able to grow together as a
couple. Kyle proposed my senior year
after my last game as a Georgette. On a
night when one chapter of my life was closing the next and most exciting part
year was just beginning. We had a long
engagement since we were so young and wanted to make sure work didn’t change us
too much. After college we moved back
home and both became active in the church again. Around the same time our high school youth
pastor started at the church and asked us to volunteer with the student
ministry. Kyle was gung ho. I was nervous. I didn’t feel equipped but I felt God
reminded me what a huge difference the leaders in my life made and Kyle kept
nudging me as well so I agreed. Serving
together has been incredible. We have
seen 8 years of students come through and some we had a small impact and others
we have built lifelong relationships.
God has revealed so much to us through working with the students. I feel like it’s changed us more than any
other impact we may have had on the students.
It has taught me to rely on God when I don’t trust and have confidence
in my own gifts.
I am so thankful for my faith in so many aspects of my
life. I have realized about myself that
I often experience and connect with God through serving in ministry, my
marriage, and through church. This is
not a bad thing but I feel convicted to dedicate more time pursuing God
directly through quiet time and prayer.
If I continue to rely on serving, relationships, or church services then
if those things are ever rocky then I will feel like my relationship with God
is rocky. I have experienced this first
hand with some of the challenges in the student ministry over the past
year. I know in my heart my relationship
with God transcends all that but I want to make sure any disappointment I feel
in ministry, the church, or in my interactions with others does not affect the
way I view God.
As I reflect on my life now and what is to come the things I
need support and prayer on include my excitement and anxiety about our next
stage of life. We have put so much work
in our marriage with God’s help and have reached a really healthy place in our
relationship and our appreciation for one another. I can speculate but can’t fully know how
becoming parents will grow, shift, and challenge us. I pray for peace and patience as we prepare
to start that journey later this year. I
have always struggled with being self-critical and comparing myself to
others. I’ve grown in this area but it
is an ongoing challenge for me. While
I’m thankful for the ways it has let me relate to students I want to be freed
from the thorns of comparison and self-doubt.
Especially as we prepare our hearts and minds for growing our
family. I want to be able to give myself
grace as I make mistakes and learn through trials. I want to make more room for joy in my daily
life. I also pray that I will be bolder
in sharing my faith with others. My
introversion often gets in my way. While
I do well in deeper relationships I struggle in opening up completely to new
people. I pray that I can get out of the
way and let God shine through more often when interacting with new people.
