My First Mother’s Day as a Mommy

The week leading up to my first Mother’s day was by far our busiest and most stressful week scheduling wise since our daughter was born.  My husband had his doctoral commencement, I had full day training/meetings that kept me late at the office two days of the week, and I was a bridesmaid in a wedding (think rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, salon all day Saturday, and wedding festivities that night).  I had a diagram for each day about how many breast milk bottles to have in the fridge each morning before work, how many bags to pack for pumping, and packing lists for her diaper bag for each day.  IT WAS EXHAUSTING! It is the kind of pace we had seen many times pre-kids but man it’s a million times more tiring with a kiddo in tow for all those big activities.  Or even the events she didn’t go to I had to put a lot of time and attention in ensuring everything was prepared for her caregiver for that time frame.  So by the time Sunday, my first Mother’s Day, came along all I wanted was a low key day filled with coffee and baby snuggles.  Thankfully our daughter didn’t mind that plan at all.  Getting her out of her crib each morning is my absolute favorite and it breaks my heart I only get to do that a couple times a week right now.  She is all smiles and does the absolute cutest stretches when we unbundle her from her swaddle/sleep sack.  I sing a good morning song to her each time I get her up it’s an older song by Gene Kelly and it is such a cheery start to our day.  Kyle and our daughter gave me a beautiful sterling silver and agate necklace that our daughter loves to death grip and stare at.  And my husband wrote me a beautiful poem about our family.  It brought tears to my eyes and will be the centerpiece of a new gallery wall I’m planning along our stairs.  Then Kyle was sweet and made sure I had coffee and a delicious breakfast, I’m talking steak and eggs delicious!  We sat on the porch and played with her in her bouncer, read her stories, and sang to her.  It was perfect!  We spent the afternoon having an early dinner at my parents.  The food and the company were delightful.  I could not have asked for a better first Mother’s day as a mom.  We wore matching outfits which was so fun (for me at least).  I can’t believe that by next year she’ll be walking and saying words and short phrases.  The days are long but the years are short seems to take on a new reality when it comes to watching your children grow.  It’s magical, exciting, and heart wrenching thinking how quickly they grow up.  So for now I’ll be snuggling my sweet little baby as much as I can until she gets bigger and busier because as the saying goes babies don’t keep!

Mother’s Day Photo Shoot (one week before Mother’s Day)

Having a kid rewires your brain in a million ways but one of the most profound is the new depth of love and appreciation you feel for your parents.  It suddenly becomes evident how much they loved you, how much they sacrificed for you, and how deeply invested they are in you.  It gives new meaning to every time they talked you through a hard life lesson, every time they helped you with a sticky situation, and how they weighed every decision when you were too young to communicate.  They did so much right and now I just wish I could remember exactly how they did all of it.  How did they help me foster such a strong love of books?  How did they know which sports to let me try and when to push me to focus most on my favorite one?  How did they help me build such a strong sense of commitment and follow through?  I remember bits and pieces that we’ll use with our daughter but raising kids is so wonderfully and terrifying complex that I’m amazed at how well they navigated so many things. 

All that is why I wanted to do something really special for our moms this Mother’s Day.  A friend of mine from college who is an incredibly talented photographer was in town and I knew a Mother’s Day photo shoot with the perfect idea.  I wanted them to have a beautiful keepsake of these first few months with their granddaughter.  I wanted our daughter to be able to see that from the very start of her life she was loved beyond measure and surrounded by incredible role models.  It takes a tribe to raise a child and man our daughter hit the jackpot when it comes to her grandma and nanas.  Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot, thanks Sachel of Sachel Samone Photography for capturing these precious moments and beautiful women!

Dr. Dad (Kyle’s Doctoral Commencement)

On Tuesday May 9th we had Kyle’s graduation ceremony at KSU! It was really special to both of us that our daughter was able to be there although we know she won’t remember it of course. They called his name and announced his study. Then he walked on stage and they placed his doctoral hood on his robes. He beamed with pride. The thing about Kyle is that he knew very early on what his calling was. At age 15 he was certain that he wanted to be a teacher and to earn his doctorate one day. Throughout his bachelor’s degree, career, master’s degree, and now doctoral degree his passion and gifts in education (both as a teacher and as a student) were clear and confirmed by his peers, teachers, and coworkers. In the 10 years he has been teaching he has shared many emails and stories from students about how he helped them discover their gifts/passion and how he helped change their lives. Our daughter is a very lucky little girl to have him as an example of what is possible when you combine your passion and your gifts!

The Ways I Feel Different

I am undoubtedly changed by becoming a mom.  More so than I anticipated but thankfully mostly for the better.  I pay more attention to little details and have a heightened awareness of people’s moods and emotions.  I am actually more organized and tidy because without that we would descend into utter chaos trying to maintain our house, her schedule, and our sanity.  I am more aware than ever of how strong our support system is and the depth of my thankfulness for it.  I am realizing the almost alarming at times extent to which I would be willing to sacrifice for my family. Kyle is calling it mama bear mode, it is mostly good but already once or twice has been a bit too extreme. 

Watching how loving, attentive, and playful my husband is with her has burst my heart wide open.  It is amazing that even if you think you love someone as much as is humanly possible that a big life change like this can help you see them even more clearly. At night we play ukulele and sing to her before bedtime and I cherish that family time together.  And it makes me wish we would have thought to spend more time singing together before her arrival. 

Even as I approach my pre-baby weight my body feels very different.  Things feel and are shaped differently and I feel a bit like I’m having to get reacquainted with my own body.  While I am amazed by what my body did and continues to do to provide for her it also makes me feel functional when I used to feel attractive.  I plan outfits based around what I can pump in or what is comfortable to sit on the floor in to play with her instead of what is most flattering or makes me feel beautiful. 

The extent to which I miss her even though she's only been in our lives for 3 months.  It's crazy how can you miss something so deeply that is so new to your life.  I better understand when people say having kids is like walking around with your heart outside your body.  I physiologically feel the separation from her some days when I'm at work and while I'm sure the intensity of missing her will lessen over time right now it is quite intense. 

Worry is a regular occurrence.  I worry about whether I'll pump enough ounces for her.  I worry about her comfort and happiness and germs and tummy.  I worry about hypothetical situations.  Thankfully it does not stop me from enjoying my time with her but lately its been haunting my sleep and I'm working on ways to relax and keep the worry monster at bay.

The biggest challenge I’m having and that I think all parents have is balance.  Pre-Gwen I had found a good balance between my marriage, my job, my friends, and self-care.  Now I feel a bit like I’m swirling trying to find a way to balance my life now that there is a wonderful sweet girl in the mix.  I find myself wanting to devote all my attention to her however I firmly believe that investing in my marriage, myself, and my career benefit her tremendously.  We also have a wonderful groups of friends that we’ve invested in and we want to ensure we maintain those relationships as well.  I’ve got lots of work to do to figure out how to get the right balance and a lifetime to keep working on it.  The hardest part is the mom guilt that you feel.  No matter how well you try and balance you always feel a tinge of guilt.  Guilt about leaving them when you go back to work or guilt when you stay home that you aren’t providing or appreciating the time as much.  Guilt about not exercising/taking care of yourself or guilt for leaving the house to go to the gym when you could be at home with your family.  Being a mom means you weigh every outing and every choice and try to consider all the alternatives and make the best choice you can.  

Lightroom Editing Magic

If you are new to photography I highly suggest investing the $9.99 per month for the Adobe tools that include Lightroom and Photoshop.  Lightroom is very easy to use and allows you to create/load preset filters to help expedite the editing process.  I have created some filters of my own but also taken advantage of some great deals from seasoned photographers who sell bundles of lightroom presets.  I recently purchased some presets designed by a professional photographer specifically for newborn photos.  Here is a sample of the output from a one-step editing process of applying the lightroom preset.  

RAW vs Edited Images:

3 Months

You won't go back to the pediatrician until May for your four month check-up so I don't have your height and weight measurements this month.

Current Likes/Loves:

• Looking up at the sky when we go outside
• Babbles/Coos including trying to mimic noises with changes in pitch
• Looking at pictures in books during storytime
• Grasping items especially your pacifier, mr. froggy, a green sensory ball, and a giraffe rattle
• Textures - you love feeling items with different textures
• Pulling my hair 
• Breaking out of your swaddle overnight
• Spalshing in the bathtub
• Easter gifts from your grandma and nanas

Our First 12 Weeks Together

I was so fortunate to be able to spend your first 12 weeks at home with you.  It is a time in my life that I will cherish forever.  I cannot explain in words how immediate and deep my love was for you when you were born and how much joy it brought me to watch you grow and change so much in your first few months.  It was with a heavy heart that I headed back to work this past week.  The night before my first day back I held you in my arms before I laid you down in your crib for bed and cried.  I know in my heart that working and providing for you is just one of the many ways I'll show you my unconditional love for you.  I hope that as you grow up that I can model for you that you can be a loving mom and wife and still have a career if those are the things you desire for your life.  And I hope even on days in the future where we may bicker or disagree that you know that nothing in the whole wide world brings me more joy than getting home to see your bright eyes and hear your sweet voice (just babbles and coos for now).  And that even when you've grown up and moved out on your own that there will be nothing that brightens my day more than spending time with you and hearing your voice.  I've always loved our home but you are a powerful magnet pulling my heart towards home and our time together.  It brings me great peace to know you are getting so much time with your grandma and nana for now and your daddy this summer.  You are a very lucky little girl to be growing up surrounded by so many people who love you!  

A Parent's Love

I thought I knew
As I grew
How much I meant to you

I thought I knew
As I grew
How much you meant to me

But now as I
With mine own eyes
Watch my little girl grow
I understand the full extent
Of a parents never ending love

- D.K. Jones

Two Months Old

Weight: 12 lbs and 5 ounces (up from 10 pounds at your one month checkup)
Height: 22.23 inches (up from 21.5 from your one month checkup)

Current Likes/Loves:

· Your bedtime routine of ukulele/singing and stories

· Your own hands

· Your green frog lovey

· Your pacifier

· Looking at windows and things with bright contrast

· Bicycle exercises (with the accompanying Queen song of course)

One Month Old

Weight: 10 pounds (up from 7.1 birth weight, 7.7 at 1.5 weeks checkup)

Height: 21.5 inches (up from 19 at first pediatrician appointment/20 inches from hospital)

Current Likes/Loves: 

· Mommy singing & Daddy playing ukulele

· Making eye contact & looking at faces

· Snuggling

· Bathtime

· Sleeping in the car

· Pooping/Peeing when your diaper is off

· Your pacifier

The Night/Day You Were Born

On Tuesday your dad and I were getting ready for bed.  He read Little One by Jo Weaver and after he finished the story my water broke.  I guess after hearing about the little baby bear you were ready to come out of hibernation.  We called the on call number and waited to hear whether we should head to the hospital or not.  We finally got the confirmation to drive to North Fulton Hospital.  When we arrived they confirmed that my water had broken and that you were officially on the way.  We were admitted into a Labor & Delivery room and then the waiting began.  You took your time a total of 39 hours during which everyone kept eagerly asking about your arrival.  It was stressful waiting for you but your daddy and all the nurses/midwives were a wonderful coaching and support system.  

Finally after a long day and a half you made your grand entrance into the world at 11:17 AM EST on Thursday.  I will never forget the overwhelming sense of pride and love I felt the first moment I held you in my arms.  I knew right away our lives would never be the same.  I will spend my entire life loving you and being there for you in whatever way you need.  You truly are the best thing that has ever happened in our lives and we thank God all the time for trusted us to raise you.  I hope that there is a never a day in your life when you don't know how loved you are.  You were born into such a loving family not just your dad and I but 3 sets of grandparents and a wide networks of aunts/uncles and friends who all love you so much and have been so excited to meet you.  

Charleston/Isle of Palms

We met our good friends Chad and Amanda in Charleston to celebrate her 30^th birthday and as a small baby moon for us as well!  We rented a charming house in Isle of Palms about 20 minutes outside of Charleston.  It was a quick trip but we had such a wonderful time exploring downtown Charleston, eating fresh seafood, and catching up.  On Friday night after we arrived we stayed around the beach and tried Poe’s Tavern which came highly suggested by friends and was really delicious.  That night we stayed up and caught up on life since it’d been a few months since we last visited them in Charlotte.  Saturday morning we went into Charleston for brunch at my new favorite brunch place called Poogan’s Porch.  It was insanely delicious, I could eat there every day if it wasn’t so far away and wouldn’t result in my gaining tons of weight.  Kyle got chicken and sweet potato waffles and I had the shrimp and grits.  Both were divine, seriously if you are in Charleston you have to make time to eat there.  After stuffing ourselves silly we went exploring including the artist market, rainbow row, and the battery.  Charleston is a very easy city to explore on foot and the homes are so charming.  It did make us all wish we had a lot more cash to be able to snatch up one of those gorgeous historic southern homes.  In the afternoon we visited Westbrook Brewing before heading home for a nap, I was 32 weeks pregnant after all which seems to require regular naps to function after so much walking.  That evening we ventured back to downtown Charleston for a fancy seafood dinner and then drinks (water and sprite for me) at a gorgeous rooftop bar!  It was such a fun weekend and we already starting discussing our plans for annual trips together in the future, I think Savannah is our plan for next year!

2016 Year in Review

2016 was a really inconsistent year for blogging for me.  I found myself really busy and distracted but wanted to make sure to do my annual year in review:

• This was our first full year in our grown up suburb house!
• Kyle started his study and data collection for his dissertation
• In May we found out we were pregnant
• We replaced and built our dream deck in June
• We celebrated our 8th Wedding Anniversary
• In September we found out we were expecting a little girl
• In October I was promoted to Senior Manager
• Kyle submitted chapters 4 & 5 for his dissertation for feedback (defense scheduled for mid-February, so exciting!)
• Races: Wowee Owee 5k, Dionysus Dash 5k
• Concerts: Beyonce, Thrice, Third Eye Blind
• Several wonderful couples got engaged which means lots of fun weddings to attend in 2017: JoAnna & Jon, Katie & Yotam, Audress & Phil, Adam & Samantha, Megan & Paul

Trips:

• Spring Break: Asheville with Chad & Amanda
• Orlando, FL - Disney with Amy & Nelson
• 12 Mile Indiana for the 4th of July
• Charleston/Isle of Palms with Chad & Amanda

Weddings:

• Alex & Katherine - May 7th 
• Nick & Kavya - October 8th 
• Collin & Kelsey - October 29th 

Combatting Anxiety

I hit my first big obstacle at about 27 weeks.  As she grew and crept up to crowd my lungs I was hit pretty hard with shortness of breath.  It mentally and quite literally took my breath away.  I had two panic attacks within about a week.  I’ve only had a few panic attacks in my entire life but having two so close together shook me to the core.  For a couple weeks I was almost paralyzed by the fear of having another attack.  I didn’t want to be alone, I was scared of everyday activities, and felt a constant uneasiness in my own mind/body.  The more anxiety I had about another anxiety attack the guiltier I felt about how my feelings might be affecting our little girl.  I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to handle the remaining 13 weeks and that every day I would feel awful and fearful.  It affected my appetite and my weight gain not only stalled but started dropping.  As the concern and guilt grew I decided it was time to be very open with my nurse practitioner who is also a family friend.  I felt my first signs of relief after I spoke my concerns out loud.  I was so thankful that she had also experienced anxiety attacks and helped me identify my triggers and gave me extremely practical advice about how to prevent my anxiety from spiraling out of control.  It is amazing how God places people the exact people you’ll need in your life.  I have thankfully avoided another attack since then and in the times when I felt my anxiety levels creep up I address it proactively and talk about it immediately if I need to.  I have learned a lot about myself throughout this and hope that I’m able to continue to grow and improve at handling anxiety. 

3 Words of Reflection – Peace, Endurance, Faithfulness

As I’ve faced some anxiety and physical challenges I’ve been praying a lot.  There are three words or themes that keep surfacing in my prayers.  The first is peace.  I’ve been praying for peace and a calm spirit as my body continues to prepare for delivery and parenthood.  I have a tendency to overthink things and a desire to be in control which does me no favors so I’ve been praying for a fence around my heart and thoughts that I can remain peaceful and thankful for everything in the present moment.  And that I can approach each new day with a calm spirit. 

The second is endurance.  This will be the biggest physical challenge I have ever faced but I constantly remind myself that God designed my body for this.  I pray for energy and focus and that I will use this remaining time to prepare my body the best I can and trust that God has prepared me in ways that I don’t even realize.  For example as sleep gets harder and harder I have been praying that these challenges are preparation for the sleepless nights ahead with the baby.

The third is faithfulness.  I pray that I will draw closer to God through each of these experiences.  I have such an intense desire to raise her well and I know that we cannot do that on our own.  I am flawed and human and will make mistakes but am so thankful for grace that will help me overcome the mistakes I’ll inevitably make.  We will need constant guidance, patience, and support.  These are things that we know can only truly be found through faith.  Prayer is so powerful and I need to remember to consistently turn to God in prayer in my moments of thankfulness and weakness.  

Third Trimester Woes

I was so fortunate to have had a relatively easy first two trimesters.  The third one is proving to be more difficult but each day brings us one day closer.  I’m just not used to being less mobile and having such drastic changes to my body in such a short period of time.  I’ve also got some fun ligament and back pain and sleeping is becoming increasingly illusive.  There are also lots of “fun” symptoms from the Pangaea that has become my internal organs as baby girls gets more and more real estate in my extremely short torso.  I’m trying to listen to my body and rest when I can and be productive when I have the energy.  It makes me very thankful we did so many of our preparations in the second trimester when I felt a lot more like myself.  I’m also learning to be more verbal with others about what I need and talking about how I’m feeling.  I am hoping this will helpful as we head into the difficult first few months as parents of a newborn.  Kyle has been so incredibly sweet and supportive and I’m incredibly thankful for him.  I know we’ll have great days and tough days but I feel like we have a really solid foundation going into this new adventure!

Maternity Photos

We are so fortunate to have such a talented friend who did our maternity photographs.  Kyle’s best friend drove down and went with us to the High Museum for the photo shoot.  There is an exhibit called Tiovivo which is a series of whimsical sculptures by Jaime Hayon.  It made for some really fun photos and I loved how it coincided with our whimsical nursery theme.  I was floored by the way the photos turned out.  We absolutely love them and I’m excited to have some of them framed to hang in our home as a reminder of the time when we were praying and preparing for the arrival of our little girl!